Hurting So Bad

[Special K]

I just can't seem to get over the fact that I can't/shouldn't have another baby. My husband is too afraid of the risk of recurrence and so am I, but the older my daughter gets (1 1/2 yo) the more I think about it. I feel angry and I am almost numb for having these feelings for so long. I don't relate to people in general as well anymore because I have been up and down so often. I am so grateful for my daughter, but I am paranoid of loosing her--especially since I cannot have anymore. I was considering surrogancy, but not sure if that is feasible since I was told it was illegal in the state of AZ (not sure if this is true, still reseaching it). I just want to be normal again and be able to do what most every women does, plan a family and have as many babies as I choose to. :mad:

[dawn]

Yes, I know what you mean about the control of your own body. It took me some time to recognize that it was MY choice not to have anymore, and then it began to sit better with me. I own the decision now.

Look carefully at surrogacy, you may want to chat with Dr. Fett about it. It seems there have been several surrogates who got PPCM after delivery for PPCM moms. I don't know if there is any conclusive research.

I'm 4.5 years post diagnosis, and we've just begun the adoption process.

Hope you find some support here. Lots of women who've walked in your shoes. Great news about your EF! You'll need it to chase a 1.5 year old this spring and summer! ;)

dawn

[SarahsMom]

Special K,

I'm in your shoes! I have (1) daughter and have always wanted (2). I'm having a tough time right now b/c Sarah just turned 1 and we were planning on getting pregnant when she turned 1...UNTIL, this PPCM happened. I too, worry that if something happens to her (God forbid)..that's it! I've had (3) Cardiologists tell me that it's too risky to have another...HOWEVER, I haven't given up yet! I'm still researching.....I've been taken off all medication as of last month and I'm going to bring it back up to my cardiologist AFTER my (6) month echo of being medication free....if my ef is continuing to climb, I'm going to ask him to support me in my decision to have another.

I know it hurts, but, you never know with the advancement of medicine and research of what tomorrow will bring!

By the way (if you don't mind my asking), how old are you? I'm 35 so I'm in a "hurry up" if it's going to happen mode. I also have to face the fact that if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. I tell myself that if I can't..there's some reason for it...don't know what it is yet but someday it will be clear!!!!

I'm with ya!!!!!

Kari

[mikeyandBellesmommy]

I totally understand too, I have two and had to have my tubes tied last time and all of a sudden recenlty I have just been so depressed about no more babies. My sister, we think is pregnant, and my cousin is pregnant and well I am just so upset I want one more.. I hope we can all suport eachother.. becasue Mike totally doesnt understand..

Cari

[IanNoahMom]

Hi Special K,

I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed in 2001 and even though I loved my baby I was also constantly sad and jealous because I thought I wouldn't be able to have another baby and I hated that everyone around me seemed to be able to have perfectly normal pregnancies. My husband told me repeatedly that he was perfectly happy with one baby and that he didn't want me to risk having another one, but I just couldn't stop thinking about having another baby.

I spent a lot of time with a counselor talking through all my issues (sadness, jealousy, fear, hope, the 'what ifs...'), and I worked really hard to get healthy and off my meds. Just in case I decided to try for another baby.

By the time our son was two I was off all meds and feeling great. I got pregnant (sort of unplanned) and it was the best pregnancy!

I guess my point is that if having another baby is what you have your heart set on, it is possible. Our post-PPCM baby was born six months ago and it's been a dream. My advice to you, if you really want to go for it is to find a really good person to talk to for support, to play devil's advocate, to help keep you focused; find a good doctor with experience in treating post-PPCM pregnancies; consult a cardiologist about treatment while pregnant, and (this is the most important) be as healthy as you can be before you get pregnant so you will feel confident that your body is strong and able.

Good luck to you.

[carrob]

I don't want you guys to hate me when I say this......but just try to focus on your beautiful child/children that you have now! I know you get so tired of hearing that! But, you have that little face that looks to you everyday for guidance and say's "I Love You Mommy" at night. Odds are that I'll NEVER get to experience that and I don't want you to lose site of the blessing you've received. I truly understand the emptiness, to a deeper degree. I don't understand God's reasons sometimes......but all we can do is hang in there together. I'll be praying for each of you.

[Lisa V]

I wish there was something that I could say to you to make you feel better but there isnt. I am 5 years out since diagnosis and there isnt a day that goes by that I dont long for more children. I have alot of odds against me and my husband and I choose not to take any more chances. I will never get over the fact that I can not have any more children but I have a beautiful healthy girl and we totally adore her. We are a family in my eyes and family can be any number whether it is 3, 6 or 8 members. Another thing that I always worry about is whether or not Julia will develope PPCM when she decides to have children. There have been several cases on these boards where the mother had PPCM and it was passed on to her daughters. I find that terrifying and I am so afraid for Julia that I am not sure if if I could have more children that I would. Please try to appreciate what you have today and not worry about tomorrow, we never know what tomorrow will bring.