longing for a baby..

[Lauren]

I really shouldn't complain but i am so jealous of everyone i see that has new baby's. It really gets under my skin. I try to be "politically correct" saying "oh, im so happy for you." Inside i feel rotten, and at the same time shameful. I should be happy to be alive. I think im over that point though and have just moved on with my life. For instance, I was waiting tables the other day and a girl that couldn't have been more that seventeen came in w a newborn. The baby was so dirty and dressed horribly, i just wanted to shake the mother. I know this sounds evil but this is the sick, horrible truth of the matter. I'm turining into a jealous spiteful person. I do not like myself like this and need to think of a way to change my feelings. I cannot have another child, and we could never afford to adopt. I have two wonderful boys that keep me going every day and i am thankful. I just wish i could fill this void of wanting another child. Does anyone else have these evil feelings or am i doomed to damnation?

[Mindyt]

I don't think you are doomed :p I think all of us that long for more children have similar feelings. I have my first and only child and am crushed that I may never get to have another baby. If I could just have one more, I think I would be completely satisfied. It is a tough battle with those feelings of being "happy with what you have" versus "mourning the loss of what you may never have".
It really doesn't seem fair that people who don't deserve children get to have them (abusive parents, etc.) and then people like us who would give anything to have another child don't get to.
I think your feelings are normal for what we have been through (or at least I hope so since I feel that way sometimes). I am trying to find ways of channeling that negative energy into doing something positive with my son. The way I see it now is that if I spend time being upset then I might miss out on something with my little guy.....and it looks like it may be my only chance to have a little one. Of course, after he goes to bed at night is when I start to sit and dwell.......
Maybe acceptance takes time? I don't know myself yet.
Mindy

[SarahsMom]

Lauren,

I feel your pain...believe me! I have a friend that's pregnant right now (due at the end of September). She's absolutely miserable b/c she's gained a ton of weight and has bad acne. She's a beautiful girl and has always had a great body, she's afraid she's going to resent her baby becuase if her looks now! Can you believe that? I tell her I would KILL to be pregnant again. It just makes me so mad! All my friends are talking about their second pregnancies and here I am....SCARED TO DEATH to even try!!!!

I don't understand God's plan for all of this BUT, he does have one. We just have to accept the hand we were dealt and be happy we're alive and able to share and enjoy the simple joys of each day! I can't say that all my friends that have 2+ kids can!!!!! Look at my friend who's pregnant now...she doesn't even realize how lucky she is to be alive...let alone pregnant!

Anyway, we'll get through this together!

Kari

[jbrunetti]

I know exactly how you are feeling. Before I had my Post PPCM baby I would cry whenever someone told me they were pregnant because I was so upset that it wasn't me. I didn't even want to be around people with new babies because it was too hard. Even now that I have had the baby I never thought I would I still get a little jealous but it is not as bad. I hope with time these feelings will get easier to handle. I always try to remind myself that there are people out there that can't even have one baby so I should feel very lucky to have my babies!

[SusanD]

Anger is such a natural progression of the grief process....just know it will take time and you will come to a place where you are ok with how things have worked out. I remember when we were going thru in-vitro and there was a pg woman in front of me at Braums and I was just SO intensely mad at her for no reason. Dh thought I was crazy.

Just keep moving and being a good mom to your little boys. You will come to find your way, your plan and your purpose. At some point you will find a way to channel your anger into something productive.