Scared of cardiac arrest when alone with my baby

[Shannonkk]

I get so scared that I will go into cardiac arrest when I am alone with my baby. What if I am going for a walk with her and I go into cardiac arrest and drop her or worse yet, someone takes her! I have and ICD which should shock me back, but I am terrified of what could happen if I have the baby. Or what if I am driving with her in the car? I just get so scared that I am going to hurt her with my condition. Anyone else feel/felt this way?
Thanks!
Shannon

[melissamph]

I am so sorry you are so scared! I have never had fear like yours. I just don't get scared about stuff that I can't control. I will pray for you to have confidence in your doctors, your ICD, your ability to recognize symptoms of trouble and in being able to take care of your baby that you were so blessed with. I hope you feel better soon.

[mikeyandBellesmommy]

I felt like that a long time after diagnosis and I was really bad when pregnant with my second, I was SO scared something would happen to me and Belle would be all alone crying and god knows what.. SOmething I ALWAYS did and still do sometimes is carry a phone with me, if I am home I always have my cordless near, even at night and when I was out I always had my cell handy. i figured if I felt weird I could call 911 and somehow it gave me comfort..

Honestly the chances of it happenign are SO slim.. I have been posting since 2001 and have never heard of this happen to a girl with PPCM on these boards that is always a comfort to me especially in the beginning, I always came on to see what was going on with everyone else and to see what was "our" normal, it seems we ALL get super tired some days, we all get palps somedays and we all have days we are scared of soemthing happening to us..

You'll be OK, enjoy your baby and try not to worry about it, I know easier said then done.. :)

[margaretinva]

I'm sorry you feel that way - in time I hope you are not so scared. I remember in the beginning I had thoughts like that too. One thing I did was I went to the high school track to walk - that way I wasn't alone, if I felt overwhelmed I didn't have to walk home and there were always people around. Also, it's ok to be scared - diagnosis is hard!

[carrob]

Shannon,

I TOTALLY understand your fear because I find myself so consumed in it more than ever now. As we think about the process of attempting to try to have a little one........I can't help but worry about all the "what ifs". Will I survive pregnancy? If I do, will my baby be OK ? Will my hubby not only lose a baby, but his wife too?? Will I have a heart attack two years after the baby's born???? I wish I had the answers for both of us because I've been wanting to ask this question as well. I just try to surround myself with positive, supportive people and God's word. In your position, I TRULY believe that you will be fine as you've progressed so well. Just take one day at a time. I really do admire all of the Mom's out here that have heard "heart failure" and "being a new Mom" at the same time. I can't begin to imagine the emotions. Just remember......you've been brought to the place that you are for a reason. You've been diagnosed, and you've had the change to heal. Our Father won't let you down!!!!

And remember:

F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal

[mandyb]

Hi Shannon,

I worried about the same thing constantly. I think it has just gotten easier over time. It is hard though, but like everyone has said... just try and focus on the positive. One thing that helped me was to think each morning of one reason that I was glad to be alive again for one more day. Focus on that reason most of the day and you'll find that the grief is easier to take! Also, allow yourself to grieve and worry.. it's a huge part of getting better! I'll be thinking of you!

Mandy

[jamesmommy]

Shannon,

You are most definitely not alone. I am a born worrier unfortunately, was that way long before I was sick. I realized today that it has only been in the last few weeks that I would stop at a park if no one was there. For a long time I would leave the driver's side door open when I parked until after I had my son out of the car, just in case. I didn't want him to be in the car with no doors open if I didn't make it to the other side. Malls were my favorite places to go right after dx, I never liked crowds, but I felt safer with more people around. Anywhere with alot of folks made it easier for me.

It does get easier I promise. As James has become older and more mobile I find I don't have alot of time to think about what ifs, I am too busy keeping up with him. I still have the occasional day when I don't feel quite up to snuff that I may slip back into some of those old habits, but most days it is the furthest thing from my mind.

Hugs,
Amie

[JennNIN]

it's completely normal! Just take it one day at a time, enjoy your baby. It's hard but eventually it will get better for you!

[tabs]

Shannon,

My post will be different from the others. I, too, have an ICD. Mine was put in after I suffered a cardiac arrest in the hospital (Thank you God or I would be dead now!).

My baby was 4 weeks old when I came home the first time. I, too, felt the same way. I was so scared that my ICD would go off (even without me holding the baby!). It helped that I had lots of family to help me. For the longest time I did not walk holding the baby. I had always changed all my children on the floor so I just continued with that tradition. It took a long time for me to no longer worry. The longer I went without a repeat cardiac arrest or even V-tach helped. I slowly stopped thinking about the ICD as I became stronger. It has been five years now and I only think about my ICD when I am going through or near something that "could" interfere with it.

Time does help! Just take your time and do things that make you comfortable and limit the possibility for injury. I know that there are not always symptoms before a cardiac arrest and that is the basis of the fear so take away the possible consequences. So what if you use a stoller in the house or you scoot on the floor holding your baby. If that will help decrease your fear then just do it!

As a last note on the driving issue. In Canada, I was unable to drive for the first 6 months after the cardiac arrest. I am not sure if this is the same in the US, but it helped me with my fear. Once the 6 months was over, I was no longer so fearful of the ICD and I had already had numerous checks on it.

If you have any other concerns, please ask. Twilah

[Shannonkk]

I feel so much better already with all the supportive replies I received.
Thank you all so much, it always helps when you don't feel alone!
Shannon :)

[momofthree]

Dear Shannon,

Big hug! You have every reason (so to speak) to fear, but I think fear is a toxin in itself. Just by posting your heart on this issue you have demonstrated such strength and desire to get past it. I love all the replies. Just don't allow fear to steal your time and joy. That is what it does. There are smart things you can do to be wise, but wisdom and fear are not the same thing. You have received many wise ideas already here. I am praying for you, too. I battled fear concerning this diagnosis. I remember feeling bad about buying new things for myself just in case I was never here to make use of them. Ludicrous, huh? But it was real and I had to battle it. So wage the war girlfriend. Enjoy your life and don't let fear steal, kill and destroy your progress. You are here for a reason. You have set boundaries for yourself. Look up and go on.

Lots of love--
Alison

[Natasha]

My experience is similiar to Twilah's. I was terrified of what would happen if I was home alone with my kids. Luckily my older son was 6. Immediately after coming home from the hospital, I discussed with him how to call 911. Like Twilah, I was not allowed to drive for 6 months. This built in some time where I had additional help around. There are still times when I am nervous about doing something on my own-- walking in a rural park, biking down a wooded bike path, but for the most part I feel more confident. I also ALWAYS have my cell phone with me.

I understand your worries. For at least the first 6 months, I spent all of my time talking to my husband about how he should do things with the kids if I didn't make it. Now we all believe that I will be around for a good, long time.

Good luck! You will gain confidence as you get further away from diagnosis and begin to believe in the power of healing.

[Shannonkk]

I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone. It has been great having a place to talk. You are all the best!!!! ;)