Other People's Kids!

[mandyb]

I was wondering if anyone else has decided definitely not to have any more children? For me, it is not an option because my husband has just said no way, no how, no never, not even a vaild discussion (not to mention he had the BIG V last April!). Anyhow... it has been very difficult for me and I can't seem to get past it.

Also... I can't stand it because all of my friends are either trying to get pregnant, are pregnant, or have just had a baby. It is all they want to discuss. I remember right after my diagnosis, a friend who was pregnant came by. I had forgotten that she was until I saw her and I have never been so angry at anyone in my life. It scared me because I am not an angry or jealous person by nature.

A couple of months ago I went to dinner with some friends and they talked about labor, delivery, etc for two hours! It breaks my heart... I told them this, but when we got together again, it was all they talked about. What advice do you have? How have all of you coped? I find that I am alienating myself from my friends because they just don't get it.

Help!

Mandy

[Lauren]

Mandy,

I know exactly how you feel. I was told after my dx that I would never make it through another pregnancy, and that the best thing for me to do would be to have a tubal ligation. I was so afraid at the time that I scheduled it right away. I now know that women are going on to become pregnant after diagnosis. It upsets me also that I cannot have another child, even though I probably could. I have two boys and would like a girl. I know the feeling of having women around you that talk about having more children and it also sometimes bothers me when they talk about how easy their labor was, don't worry, I think it is just a normal reaction to be jealous. It's understandable.

[SusanD]

I wish I had some easy answers...like something you could go do that would make it all better and make the ache go away. For my Dh and I, the road to having a baby was a long and winding (and $$ !) in the first place....and then the PPCM was the icing on the cake. We just felt so blessed and God just took away all the discontent (I was discontent in my infertility journey) and all of the longing. There have been times when I have found myself surrounded by babies and pg women, but I realize sometimes that my longing is not so much for another baby, but for a chance to do the pregnancy all over again...because I *loved* being pg so much.

I also find comfort in knowing that the world has a million different stories and everyone has SUCH a different path to take. Mine and Dh's path is different and it's been quite a ride so far....I can't wait to see what is around the next bend.

I've found that embracing what I've been given and looking for new chances there has been the best healing. I find a lot of comfort in Jeremiah 29:11 "...for I know the plans I have for you. Plans for a hope and a future..."

I'm rambling now and I don't know if I've said anything to help your or not. Just know that you are not alone and one day you will find your way on *your* journey....maybe more kids, maybe adoption, maybe involving yourself in volunteer work with kids that you wouldn't have been able to do had you had the 4 kids (or whatever # ) you wanted...you know ?

Hang in there !

[Lisa V]

I feel the same way as you all do..................We all would like more children but our choice to have more or not was taken away from us and I think that is what bothers me the most. My husband also had a "V" last March, 3 years after diagnosis becuase I was not ready to accpt no more children. He definitely does not want any more after everything we had been through with trying to get pregnant, then our first daughter and then me with PPCM. I guess it is all too much for him and for me. We both know that no more children are in our cards but I still constantly think about it. This weekend I had a babyshower to go to on Saturday and then a Christening on Sunday. Talk about have a dounle whamy. It was very hard and NO they do not understand but I am happy for all of them and try to remmeber that this is their time and to go with the flow. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I think it is just a part of healing and something that we will feel for the rest of our lives.

[Anny311]

I remember tearfully asking my mother-in-law when you stop wanting another baby (I think the twins were literally like 4 months old and I was so sad about not having another) and her response was "I don't think you ever do." I told my ob/gyn this and he said it was very insightful. I think there is always room in a mother's heart for "just one more" whether or not the choice not to have one is truly theirs or because of medical problems, age, infertility or whatever. I would love another baby. Where we would put it and how we would afford it are big questions, not to mention my heart.

I recently had a party and noticed how that was all women talk about--birth, pregnancy, kids, blah blah blah. I had two friends who don't have kids (one by choice and one who is waiting for Mr. Right) and I think they were so bored.

I often get sad after the mom of twins meetings for this reason and have considered not going. I feel like I was denied a normal pregnancy, the choice to breastfeed or not, a regular, non-NICU bonding experience...But then I remember how lucky I really am, that I am here to be with my girls and see them grow up. But I will always want another baby.

Anny311

[heidiross]

Iwanted another for quite awhile. I too have two boys and wanted that girl, but now it has been 7 years and I have had a tubal, and went to nursing school, and work in the postpartum area. I now do not want another baby. Now I get my fair share of baby cuddling and yes I do cuddle. I love it but it is very nice to come home to quiet!!!! No baby screaming. I also see all the moms, sometimes I wonder how "easy" some of these woman go through labor, I wonder why some of these girls ever get pregnant again.
I work in a "lower class" hispanic hospital in Phoenix. I see girls I would seriously like to "spank" and I also see wonderful parents.

Maybe this was my therapy. I dont know.

[Becca]

My biggest peeve (and I know that they don't know!) is when people I barely know start asking when the next one is coming! Or a complete stranger will ask me! My friends are sensative about it...to a degree. But, I understand them better. My nephew is having a baby (loooooooooonnnngggg story!) and my whole family is so excited but I just want to puke. How come this irresponsible kid gets to have a baby and I can't??

I have come up with a few lines though that help.

1. Well, Scout is so perfect, we have decided we got it right the first time (this is great with people who have a ton of kids!)

2. Next one? Heck, I haven't finished paying for this one yet!

3. (and this one is when I am feeling really low and mean!)
I almost died having Scout. She deserves a Mommy, doesn't she?

Those usually shut people up!

[mandyb]

This website has really helped me feel better! Thanks everyone for the support and comments. In the last few weeks (since I started conversing with people who actually understand me!) my husband says that he has seen a sparkle in my eyes that he hasn't seen in a long time. So thanks to all of you and thanks to whoever started this website!

Mandy